Last night was horrible. This morning has been even worse. Charlotte might as well be a newborn right now.
And I responded with anger, frustration, impatience, and sadness. I just lay in bed last night sobbing like someone died. So much so that my face began to tingle. Do you know the feeling?
And I wondered, do I have it in me? Am I even strong enough to last the 39 days without Jude and make it through with my sanity and with no regrets? I worry I don't. If last night and this morning is any testament to how I'll be the next month (given she continues to express her teething pains with crankiness and little sleep), I'll be a wreck.
Part of me feels silly that I'm reacting this way - it's only 39 days and I'll have help for most of it. People get by on way worse. And Jude's still here - I'm supposed be ok right now. Going crazy should be reserved for when he's gone - not me crying hysterically while he's still here and rocking Charlotte in the next room.
I so want to be strong. I don't want to make him feel guilty for going, or worried about me. But to give him a peace of mind now is like saying, (well it is to me anyway), "I'll be fine without you and I don't need you." And frankly, I do. I need him everyday, by my side. That's why we got married, isn't it? Because we were created to need and love one another. And from that mutual need and subsequent gift of ourselves to each other (which must be free, total, faithful, and fruitful), life is created in our children. (I know I could go way more Theology of the Body up on this, but I'll just leave it at that for now.)
So yeah. I'm a wreck now. But because love is sacrificial by nature, we only need to witness the cross to see this, I am preparing myself to sacrifice the ease and comfort that I'm accustomed to while Jude's gone. And if you read the comments from this post, you know that I have plans of offering this up for those single parents who carry much more than I've been asked to. God be with them. And with me. And of course, with Jude.
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4 comments:
You ARE strong, mama! Anytime I have moments like those (and there have been a lot over the past 4 years b/c even though Will was "here" he was forced to not be here working at night and pulling all nights more often than not on school work), I remind myself that my strength-emotional, physical, mental, spiritual- birthed these children into my arms and if I can do that unaided by any outside interventions, then I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. It's as simple as that.
Of course, you'll miss him and I can't imagine Will physically being gone from me and the boys for that long. It's hard having half of yourself away from you. BUT, you will make it and be a better mother, wife and woman after it's all said and done. Lots of love and I'm more than willing to give you a break or lend a shoulder anytime!!
Making a sista cry over here.
Awe. You made me tear up.
Of course you can do it. But, I fully appreciate your response to being able to do it although preferring life with Jude in the picture. A good husband makes life much easier and better.
We'll be here and I fully expect a phone call if you ever need (or want) me to help out.
Well, it'll be tough, but you can do it. I react the same way when I'm tired and mad and feeling like a single parent. James is waking every 3 hours because of teething. All this to say, I empathize and will pray for you.
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