You guys,

I'm in such a rut.

Not the I'm tired of cooking the same thing rut.

Not the I hate everything in my closet rut.

Not the I need a new hobby or something else to do rut.

Or any of those other, very natural, ruts we phase in and out of over the years.

No, my rut seems to be more of a stress-rut turned hopeless-rut. Like, I know exactly what I want to happen and I feel like it's God's will, but I can't fathom how it's realistic at all. So I get stressed and then hopeless.

I'm a stay at home mom, and we want that. We also want to send Joan to Catholic school next fall and we've been given God's peace about that decision. But whether it's my higher (pregnancy-induced) stress & anxiety level or the very real impending tax season (apparently it's not good to be forgiven $44,000 of debt according to the IRS) - I can't seem to shake the worry that our decision might be too costly to pull off.

We've come so far - financially - through hard work, tight budgets, and the generosity of others. And to pay for school, owe the IRS (which we'll find out soon if that's the case), and end my extra income in May (Evelyn's family is moving to Canada & I'm having a baby...), it's making it very difficult to understand how we'll make this all work and continue moving ahead financially. Especially over the future years.

Now, I believe in the power of God. And I have witnessed firsthand His provision. So it's easy to tell myself that it will all work out and things will fall into place if this is His will. But man, I cannot shake the worry, the doubt, the confusion, or the discouragement at the moment. It would be nice to just blame this on pregnancy hormones, but these are very legitimate concerns and I'm not sure how to battle them.

So, I'm not really sure where to go from here - how to wrap this up. But I'd like to know I'm not completely crazy for honestly questioning our budget and how this will work. Or completely crazy for trusting God to figure it out and make it happen. How do I get these two to cooperate?

I might just need a glass of wine or a long bath, but I gave it up for Lent - the bath, that is - not the wine. I gave that up for Simon.

Quick Takes

Giving Jen's Quick Takes another go with the rest of 'em.

1. This has been a crazy productive day. I may not have brushed my teeth this morning (still haven't), but I did manage to wash/dry/eventually fold 4 loads of laundry; clean 2 bathrooms (with actual cleaner - not just wiping the crust off the faucet with toilet paper); sweep 7 rooms; vacuum 3 rugs; dust 1 room (only the living room needs dusting, right?); and bake a coffee cake. All before 2:03 p.m. Jude brought Wendy's for lunch as a reward for my domestic goddessness and for the children who actually behaved during the cleaning spree.

2. I'm as surprised as you are about #1, but something needed to be done because

a). The house was disgusting.

b). I've been having back trouble & not doing my fair share around here.

c). I'm nesting and have no more money to spend. 

d). I was craving cinnamon. 

3. Apparently all of my friends needed to see a chiropractor by their 3rd pregnancy. Did you? I'm much bigger this time around and I feel like I've been in a wreck. 

4. Bonnie hosted The Sheenazing Blogger Awards (named after Venerable Fulton J. Sheen) for Catholic bloggers, and this blog was actually nominated for Best Looking Blog. I didn't mention it because I'm almost positive it was one of the 3 friends of mine that know Bonnie and that also read this blog and because I was pretty sure our plain white background and green boxed title wasn't enough to take the cake. But I appreciate the nomination, if it was you! Here's who actually won.

5. Speaking of good looking design, Jude was featured in the regional magazine Catfish Alley. They showed some of his portfolio and gave a little bio. I'm just so proud of this guy. He's really, really talented and deserves every bit of the recognition!

 And if you'd like to purchase one of these (or view more items) 

check out his store.

6. We got something in the mail from our old mortgage lender. It says IMPORTANT TAX INFORMATION ENCLOSED and I'm sure it's the form we'll need to submit for our taxes (too scared to open it to be sure). We were forgiven a ton of money in the whole short sale deal and I'm super anxious about how it'll affect our taxes. At the same time, I'm so relieved that the house mess will officially be over soon and that we should have enough money saved to pay the IRS. I think.

7. I should probably go brush my teeth.

I can't believe I'm about to enter an Advent Season NOT waiting for a house to sell.

The last 3 seasons, my preparation & anticipation skills were at their peak performance levels (and let's be honest, they still weren't that great). But, I felt like I could really identify with the purpose of Advent, because I was so used to waiting and hoping for this great resolution and blessing to come our way. (The opposite was true for the Easter Season - those were difficult times for me.)

And now, even though we are expecting a baby, I feel like I'm a little out of practice with the whole waiting and wanting thingy. I finally feel like everything is as it should be. I have all I need. I'm not wishing for anything (other than stomach scratches from Jude and the occasional taco).

I don't quite know how to move forward with a spirit of yearning when it doesn't naturally exist within me right now. Will that just come from the grace of God? Is there something practical I can do to "get" me there? Do you have any recommendations or books that might move me along to where I'm supposed to be?

Are these questions too much for you to answer and you'd rather just come back on Sunday to see if I repeated the Shoe Department boots again? Probably.

The lady that bought our house.

Seriously, you guys. She messaged me on Facebook and has given me permission to share her story. If you don't already have a box of kleenex at your disposal, you might wanna hook that up real quick.

"Jude and Alisha,

Congrats on selling your house...and congrats to me on my very first home! Myself, my family and numerous friends have all been praying along side of you that this house would sell and I would be the buyer. From what I've read, you have this burden on you for 3.5 years and wondered what God was teaching you over this time. I can't exactly say what He had in mind for you but for me He had my timing in mind. I am a 28 year old single, divorced mom of two wonderful kids, Audrey (6) & Logan (4) and a survivor of 5 year domestically violent marriage. My credit was destroyed by my ex and I walked away 2.5 years ago with $100 to my name. I moved from Texas back home to "Normal" to start over. Never did I picture myself in a position to buy a house 2.5 years later. As selfish as it may sound, I am thankful for your struggle. Because of your struggle my kids and I can start a new chapter in our lives, which we are so ever grateful for. I impatiently waited 8 months to get this house. That is nothing in comparison to your 3.5 year wait. What I do know is that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28

I thought of your family often as I painted my new house. I could see the pretty blue color you had on the walls (left over behind the electrical face plates)and wondered how excited you guys must be to have this all DONE!!

On Monday Aug 6, 2012 at 12pm, all things did work together for both of our families. Mine started a new chapter and yours finally, after a long wait, closed one. I'm happy for you guys and I wish you all the best!! 

Becky"

God was preparing our home for her and our hearts for Him. Our pain, her pain, united together and offered to Christ at the foot of His Cross brought forth the peace and joy and new life we all share in now. May we never forget the goodness of the Lord.

WE JUST SOLD A HOUSE

YES.

WE JUST SOLD A HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OR WHY I'M STILLING SCREAMING AT YOU.

SORRY.

BUT WE JUST SOLD A HOUSE.

3 YEARS, 5 MONTHS, AND 25 DAYS LATER.

WE SOLD A HOUSE.

Your thoughts, prayers, tears, encouragements, and sacrifices in our name have not gone unnoticed. God bless you and blessed be His name forever, until the end of time!!!

A Lost Cause

We finally have an approval letter from the bank, stating that we can close on or before August 7th. So that's the good news.

The uncertain news is that the appraisal is being reviewed at the moment by a third party. A third party that we can have no contact with to say, "Hey, this house will be foreclosed on on August 8th, can you hurry up?" A third party that may need us to address more repairs, something we don't have time for. A third party that hasn't been dealing with our unique manufactured home and may have questions about the comparisons we gave them and why they don't quite match up. A third party that doesn't know me or Jude, or our beautiful children and could care less about us. A third party who, if they don't turn things in in time, could be the reason we lose that house to foreclosure.

We feel like it's a lost cause. And so, we call upon the name of our advocate and friend, St. Jude, the Patron of Desperate Situations and Hopeless Cases. Please pray with us, starting TODAY (30th) through AUGUST 7th.

Novena to St. Jude: (Our request will be that every bit of paper work is done and in place so that the closing scheduled for August 7th actually happens.)
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for us, are so helpless and alone. Intercede with God for us that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to our assistance in this great need that we may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all our necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
(make your request here)
- and that we may praise God with you and all the saints forever. We promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be  ever mindful of this great favor granted us by God and to always honor you as our special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen

PRAYER

May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the  tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.

May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen

St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.

Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all 


We have truly been touched by the amount of people who have committed to joining us in prayer. Thank you so, so much. 

It's our anniversary

And even though we've had a hard few years, and been put through the ringer, I'm glad it's been with you.

Forever my friend.

Forever my love.

Happy 6th Anniversary, Jude. 

May God bless us with many, many more.

A very special Happy Birthday also goes out to my Father-in-law, Ross 

and a reminder to join us in prayer tomorrow, if you'd like!

I hate to say, "I told you so..."

But unfortunately we got word today that things are not going to happen in time for the July 30th closing date as scheduled. The appraisal isn't going to come in in time, so our short sale negotiator is submitting an extension to our lender for August 7th. And hopefully the rest can be completed in time for that, because our house is scheduled to be foreclosed on August 8th. There's still a chance that our bank will not approve the short sale now because we didn't meet the original deadline, but our negotiator is pretty confident that they will.

If you care to join us in prayer, we will start reciting The St. Jude Novena on July 30th (coincidentally?) so that it ends on the ninth day, August 7th (novenas are said every day for 9 consecutive days). Our request will be that every bit of paper work is done and in place so that the closing scheduled for August 7th actually happens.

Novena to St. Jude:
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for us, are so helpless and alone. Intercede with God for us that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to our assistance in this great need that we may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all our necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
(make your request here)
- and that we may praise God with you and all the saints forever. We promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be  ever mindful of this great favor granted us by God and to always honor you as our special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen

PRAYER

May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the  tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.

May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen

St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.

Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
(say this prayer, followed by theOur Fatherand theHail Mary)

source

Professional Stalkers

I'm getting really good at it, stalking my dream home. And, I've got to say, so is Jude. He kindly drove by it this morning on our way back from the water park.

You know you're jealous.
Another post with more pictures coming soon.

And do you know what that man did after he passed up the house with a huge moving truck in the driveway? Made the block and pulled in behind it. We just needed to know. Were they moving out, putting it up for sale, renting it out, just moving in and planning to occupy my dream home for the next 40 years... we needed to put this to bed. End my speculation.

Jude got down and talked with the guy supervising the movers. At first, I was too scared to get down and talk. Maybe I was too afraid of their response (or of being arrested). Then I realized I couldn't pass up the only time I might ever get to peek inside.

I got there just in time to hear the man say that his friends purchased the house 6-8 months ago and were finally moving the rest of their things in, now that their old home (in Starkville) has sold.

Sad conclusions about my dream home:
This is the second house they've purchased in Starkville, and if there was any indication that they might move out of town/state, they probably would have just stayed where they were until that opportunity came to be.

They moved from an area of town that most families seem to want to live - subdivisions upon subdivisions line the main road - and chose to buy a house close to downtown. A decision I expect someone to make because they truly want to be downtown and in an older home long-term, not because it's a stepping stone to a bigger goal, like buying a fixer-upper before you purchase the 4 bed, 2.5 bath.

They bought the house to live in, not rent out. And because they both (at least one of them does) work at Mississippi State, it's probable that they'll be here for many, many years. Maybe until they're old and gray.

I'm just a little disappointed. Even though I know we're in no shape to buy and won't be for many years, and even though it makes no sense to uproot and rent a house a few blocks away that's more money with one extra bedroom and a back porch. I've still got a dream. And I think it just got a little harder to reach.

Is it apathy or peace?

If you've been keeping track, we're trying to sell a house. No easy feat for our family, over 3 years later.

And now that we're 16 days away from a closing date, you'd think we'd be full of anticipation and excitement, hope and thankfulness. But the possibility of this closing date falling through (it's the 4th closing date we've had in the past 3 years), lingers over our heads and in the back of our minds.

We're not confident it'll be over soon. And then, even if the short sale does go through, we anticipate next year's taxes being rough, being forgiven all this debt by the banks.

That being said, and as much as I want this deal to go through, we have this easy calm about everything. Whether it goes through or not, we respond like a 16 year old. Whatever.

And I can't tell if we're just too tired to care anymore and have come to expect the worst - or if we have finally, truly discovered the peace of God.

Maybe it's a little of both?
Maybe they're one in the same?

I don't know, but I'm at least thankful that the emotional roller coaster I've been on for what seems like forever, is slowing making it's way back to the loading zone so I can get off and let someone else ride for a while.

So if, in the next 16 days, something happens and the closing date is postponed or canceled, we ask God to grant us the same grace and peace we have now, knowing and trusting in His great love and faithfulness, even if it's only because we're too tired and just acting like teenagers.

What's that?

We might actually have a closing date scheduled?

For reals?

July 30th, and the whole 3.3 years worth of crap is over?

Guess we'll have to wait another 28 days to find out...

Stay tuned. (And pray in the meantime.)

Will you pray with us?

The negotiator we hired for our side of the short sale called today to say that the investor who owns our mortgage accepted the short sale offer. Now we just wait to make sure that the bank will accept the same offer. Hopefully we'll hear back in a few days, but until then, will you pray that things run quickly and smoothly from here on out?

I'd finally like to write a post entitled, Turns out we can sell a house!

I have a problem.

I'm obsessed with 410 Greene Street, Starkville MS 39759.

This is mostly a problem because we still haven't sold 3003 Geranium Dr, Bloomington IL 61705.
But also written on my hell-no-you-can't-buy-a-house list:
- we're still saving for our 3-6 months of expenses fund, which means...
- we're no where near close to having a down payment
- we're emotionally scarred from owning and trying to sell a home
- we will probably never be able to afford this house
- our credit score is shot from stopping our mortgage payments last year
- our credit score will be doubly shot if this short sale actually goes through
- we don't even know if we'll be in Starkville long term
- the house we rent right now (Also addressed as 410. Coincidence?) is perfect for us & fits easily into our budget

Oh. And I should probably mention that it's not even for sale.

Did that stop me from writing a 2 minute speech that I was fully prepared to deliver to the occupants on our evening walk? No. I was going to cover the fact that their yard was void of any signs (not to mention our wallets void of any cash) and casually offer a business card for reference for the day that sign does appear. The speech's main points were:
- we are not weird (read: stalkers)
- we are not ready (but neither are you)
- your house is beautiful (read: can I sneak a peak at your walk-in closet?)
- please call us if you plan to sell (preferably before you call someone that could make an offer you'd actually accept...)

Sadly, I chickened out. I never was one for public speaking...

Just because we're not ready to buy doesn't mean I don't like to look. If I could, I would go to every Open House on the weekends. I would walk up to homes and ask, "Can I see your floor plan? I'm just curious." I would roam the isles of IKEA, Target, Pottery Barn, or World Market (wait... I live in Starkville). Bottom line, I love love love looking at houses, homes, trailers, mansions, dorm rooms - anywhere people live, really. And I hate driving at night because it's harder, dangerous - actually, when you're trying to see into someone's living room through the open curtains.

But this house, it spoke to me from the road. It really is beautiful and on the most perfect street. I liked it so much, I immediately came home to type greene st starkville ms home for sale into Google's search engine to get an idea of what something around there might go for. And you wanna know what comes up first when you do that? The house! (Go ahead. I'll wait while you look through the 34 photos of this prime real estate). My guess is that the link is an old listing that the internet has saved, because it's not really for sale right now.

Having lived here for 3 years and driven around this small town, I can tell you that the number of houses with my dream wants are really limited, mostly by location. There's just not a large quantity of the older homes in the area we like that aren't surrounded by shady pockets (and not in a good way) or run-down college rentals. This house, seems at first glance, to have most (if not all) of my dream wants:
- it's in the center of town, 2 blocks from downtown, but not on a busy street like most of the streets in this area and not surrounded by crappy undergraduate rental properties
- older home with character, but upgrades, too
- front porch & back porch
- 4 bedrooms + a bonus den. Can you say studio space? Plenty of room for a master, kids room, guest room, play room, and one beautiful room devoted to sewing and graphic design. ahhh.
- dining areas (two!) separate the kitchen and living spaces which lessens the noise while watching tv or visiting - something really hard to find in today's open living floor plans (that's just a personal preference - I'm sure some of you would disagree, but I like my dining room in between the kitchen and living room, but I also don't like the kitchen secluded away in a corner like we have now. This kitchen is the breeze way to the other spaces. love.)
- all of the bedrooms appear to be along the same side - also something hard to find in today's floor plans that separate the master from the rest of the bedrooms. I like to be close to the kids.
- fenced in backyard and a front yard that's not 2 steps to the road (like we have now)
- easy flow from sitting room to dining to kitchen to breakfast nook to den - perfect for entertaining
- there's probably more, but I just haven't thought of it yet...

Originally, I thought writing this post would be some sort of therapy, helping me emotionally let go of something I obviously don't need, nor or ready for. I see now that it's only confirmed one thing. I'm right and I really want that house.

Whoops.

Whoohoo!

We just paid off $13,000 of debt in 6 months and now we're debt free!!

That's right - spam didn't clog this blog - you read that right - $13,000 in 6 months!!

We'd like to thank:
God, from whom all good things come.

Our parents for their example and generosity (the birthday & Christmas money was put to good use!)

Dave Ramsey (if you want a promotional CD to hear what it's all about, let me know...)

Jude Landry for being a famous graphic designer and bringing in lots of extra work (I'm sure he'd thank me too for getting a job if he had a blog)

Fellow Financial University Graduates: The Foreman's, The Whatley's, The Wersel's, The West's, The Kuntz's, Remo, (I feel like I'm forgetting someone, sorry.)

The Whatley's, again, for setting us up with a killer Excel spreadsheet and multiple tutoring sessions


Yes. We still have a house for sale in Illinois, but we're not counting it as debt. A short sale offer, which we've kept hush hush for a little while, is in the works and a new market appraisal will be made soon which means this 2nd short sale might actually get accepted. Again, we don't hold our breath because I'm pretty sure that holding your breath for 3+ years doesn't end well. Like always, we'll keep you posted.

3 Years Strong.

I haven't decided the tone of this post yet, so I'm just gonna keep typing and let's see where it goes.

February 12, 2009, we listed our house for sale. I can feel our foolish excitement and the only anxiety within us was more like, Man, what if it sells so quickly and Jude's not finished with school yet... maybe we can move in with the Herr's until the summer...


Jude didn't even have a new job yet. But it didn't matter, we knew God was leading us somewhere else. I guess we just assumed that when the new job offer came in, the house would close shortly - seems like a practical plan that God would approve of, right?

I still don't get why we're here, 3 years later with a For Sale sign still stuck in the front yard (strategically placed above our buried St. Joseph statue). Yeah, yeah - those holier than I would speak up now with their, "God works in mysterious ways - this might not make sense now, but in a few years it probably will," or their, "God teaches us patience, prayer, and faithfulness through life's burdens," or their "Here's an opportunity to offer it up for the souls in purgatory."

The same folks would then remind me that, "It could be so much worse," and that, "Jude has a good job," and that, "You've got a great rental house, though."

Sorry. That kind of stuff works 6 months to maybe a year of waiting. But when you start hitting the 2-3 year mark, you just want the lesson to be gone and the problem solved. All you can seem to mutter in nightly prayer is a mere, "Let it sell and let it be Your will." Forget the whole searching of the soul thingy because it's too cloudy in there from all the disappointment to even see the step before you.

My point is, it doesn't matter why. And spending more energy on that part isn't helping. We've conceded that we may never understand the why. Instead, I can only dwell on the how.

How have we made it this far, three years strong? A faithful God. Generous parents. Supportive friends. A great sense of humor. And a degree from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

At times I feel cursed and blessed at the same time. But if we have to carry this burden, still yet to be lifted, I am thankful that we're at least in the shape we're in.

This post feels unresolved right now, which is how my life feels at the moment. It feels awkward to end here and since I don't know what else to do, I'll end it like I do before sleep.


Let it sell and let it be Your will.
Amen.

I mean, c'mon God - we even got rid of Steve Stevens...

I don't even know what to type here.

We got bad news today.

The bank denied our buyer's offer on the house. If you remember, we were going the short sale route and asking the bank to accept an offer below the amount of our loan, hoping that the value loss of our home and our incredible hardship history would be enough for them to forgive our debt. Well the amount we were asking them to accept is actually $20,000 too low. Our buyers are walking away and now our realtor is trying to find investors who might be interested in buying a rental property.

It makes decorating the tree with ornaments like these, a little less enjoyable. 

Cautiously Optimistic

That's what we are right now.

We received an offer on the house Tuesday (the 4th one we've accepted), and for a while I was thinking that we'd keep it to ourselves in the hopes of keeping our emotional roller coaster in idle, just in case things went sour.

But we realize that your care, concern, prayers, and encouragement have been such a vital part of our sanity (or lack thereof at times), and we'd like for you to keep it up in the very near future - unless of course this is all too much for you. You are free to hop off at any time... the loan, after all, is not in your name.

So yeah. This is the beginning of what could be the end. But first, we have lots of paper work, hardship letters, financial statements, and other dead trees to fill out. It could be a few months of all of this and then a big fat, NO! 


And so we remain, cautiously optimistic.

Let me catch you up to speed.

Two weeks ago, we listed our house for $99,900 in the hopes of going through with a short sale. Our short sale negotiator is in contact with the lender and it seems like they're at least willing to move forward with this option fairly quickly. We have yet to get an offer, though. How does a house lose $40,000 (or more) in 4 years?

Monday, Jude and I drove to Birmingham to see FLEET FOXES live at the Historic Alabama Theatre. Yes, in our minivan. They were uh-mazing. 3-4 guys singing harmony at any given time - just beautiful. It was making me all nostalgic, reminiscing about our quick trips to Houston or Chicago to see great music and rushing back for work in the morning, minus the whole kids part... But, we sat next to a middle-aged couple (50ish) from around the area that go to concerts on almost a weekly basis - they totally gave us hope. We were running late, so we only got to eat at a quick chain restaurant (Moe's Southwest Grill, which reminded me of Bloomington...) and we drove back after the show. Big thanks to Gigi, who came for the weekend to watch the girls while we were gone!

On Thursday, I got my implant. Well, the beginnings of it, anyway. I met with the oral surgeon who sliced up my gum to put in a little screw. After this heals, and a few more appointments, the dentist will put on a replacement tooth. I've always had a missing molar on the bottom that never grew in and soon that'll be filled in. I've never been under the "laughing" gas before and I totally get why people do drugs. I do. I felt like I had just been given a massage and accidentally fell asleep on the table instead of getting dressed like the masseuse asked me to. The oral surgeon politely asked me, "Who's here with you today?"  and because I thought he was trying to check how under the influence I was, I responded with, "Just you." He laughed and asked, "Is anyone here to drive you back?" And because I'm so smooth, "No. Are you going to drive me home...?" Yeah, I liked the laughing gas.

Also on Thursday night, we went to our weekly Dave Ramsey class that our church is hosting. I know that some may be a little skeptical or hesitant of popular money saving/making strategies or philosophies out there. But I assure you, the practical, old-school view that Dave is reminding us about has already started to pay off. Literally pay off. No more student loans! Only that beautiful minivan that drives us to amazing concerts... that's it. (We're not even acknowledging the house at this point...). It makes me so thankful for our parents' examples of living frugally, giving, and saving because I know we'd be so much worse off. But the practical application of saving up for something over the course of 12 months, filling out a budget every month, and allocating extra money to areas you most need it has really been great for us. We finally feel like we're telling our money what to do instead of being surprised by expenses as they happen.

On Friday, I took the girls to a pumpkin patch with our group of friends. Hayrides, tire swings, corn kernel sandboxes, trackers, and picnic lunches. I haven't looked at the photos yet, but they'll be on their way soon.

And now you're up to speed.

So this is the end, yet only the beginning.

I'm not really sure where this post will go, I'm kind of raw right now. So buckle up...

We're walking away from the house. The house in Bloomington that we've been trying to get rid of since February 2009. Technically, there's a year in there somewhere when we had a renter (you, know waiting for the market to "rebound.") but we all know how that ended. Either way, this burden has been pretty heavy for the last 2.5 years.

There's a dilemma within me - wanting to explain everything, analyze everything, re-do everything and at the same time forget everything and not think of it ever again. There's a part of me that wants to list all of the things we did to try to get it sold or all of the disasters that have happened since we've tried to sell it, as if having your sympathy or pat-on-the-back would make me feel better. But I'm striving to be a little more like St. Gerard this year... (I'm not that great at it...)

The hardest thing about walking away from it is that honestly, I thought it was going to sell before we moved to Starkville (August 2009). Then I thought we'd sell it by the time Charlotte was born (July 2010). Then I thought we'd sell it by the end of this summer (August 2011). I had real, authentic faith that God was going to take this from us in a very normal way, a closing date at a bank somewhere. I was even able to let go of the desire for profit, and trust that even having to pay at closing, God would find us a buyer. I'm not saying those years were void of blessings. God knows we still lived very well and learned a ton about prayers and petitions, suffering and redemption, patience and faith. But in the end, I thought the house would sell after we "got" it all.

I really have some issues to work out between me and God, because honestly, I'm a little heartbroken things didn't work out differently. I'm not sure how to process all of this disappointment for the past 2.5 years without a seemingly good resolution. I hope that in 5, 10, maybe 25 years, hindsight will be my best friend. But I've come to the understanding that even then, this whole mess might not make a load of sense and maybe never will in this lifetime. All I can hope for is that at the hour of my death, I won't have to suffer anymore and God'll say, "Remember that house? Yeah... come on in." (Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.)

And on top of the disappointment, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the implications people will draw from our circumstances and push further from God. I'm afraid of the next possible steps - short sale, foreclosure, bankruptcy - and the effects on our lives years from now. I'm afraid that though this is the end, it's really only the beginning. And I'm kind of tired - I'm not ready for a whole new year's worth of struggle.

I just want someone to rip the band-aid off already. You know?

I'm not sure if I'll revisit this topic again, or if I'll keep you posted on how this really wraps up in the next few months or year. You might be just as tired of all of this as we are and would rather read Verbatims. I don't blame you. But please know that we have only made it through this somewhat sanely thanks to your prayers, concern, support, and encouragement. Thank you ever so much.

This is Ours.

This, our wedding song. (It was hard to decide between putting this one on here or Forever My Friend by Ray LaMontange which has become our song over our married years together. You should still go listen to it because Ray is pretty amazing.)


This, our verse.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God.
1 John 4:7

This, our burden.
3003 Geranium Dr., Bloomington, IL

This, our joke.
"Riddikulus!" "Quidditch!"

This, our show. (Parks and Rec, you're a strong contender.)
The Office

These, our hobbies.
Art, Music, Football, and Film

These, our names.
Judebaker, Alisha Pie, Babers my Neighbors, Jumunji, and Hun

This, our joy.


















This, our life.

Happy 5th Anniversary, Jude. I love you and I'm blessed to share these with you.

We also want to wish Big Poppa a very Happy Birthday today!