You guys,

I'm in such a rut.

Not the I'm tired of cooking the same thing rut.

Not the I hate everything in my closet rut.

Not the I need a new hobby or something else to do rut.

Or any of those other, very natural, ruts we phase in and out of over the years.

No, my rut seems to be more of a stress-rut turned hopeless-rut. Like, I know exactly what I want to happen and I feel like it's God's will, but I can't fathom how it's realistic at all. So I get stressed and then hopeless.

I'm a stay at home mom, and we want that. We also want to send Joan to Catholic school next fall and we've been given God's peace about that decision. But whether it's my higher (pregnancy-induced) stress & anxiety level or the very real impending tax season (apparently it's not good to be forgiven $44,000 of debt according to the IRS) - I can't seem to shake the worry that our decision might be too costly to pull off.

We've come so far - financially - through hard work, tight budgets, and the generosity of others. And to pay for school, owe the IRS (which we'll find out soon if that's the case), and end my extra income in May (Evelyn's family is moving to Canada & I'm having a baby...), it's making it very difficult to understand how we'll make this all work and continue moving ahead financially. Especially over the future years.

Now, I believe in the power of God. And I have witnessed firsthand His provision. So it's easy to tell myself that it will all work out and things will fall into place if this is His will. But man, I cannot shake the worry, the doubt, the confusion, or the discouragement at the moment. It would be nice to just blame this on pregnancy hormones, but these are very legitimate concerns and I'm not sure how to battle them.

So, I'm not really sure where to go from here - how to wrap this up. But I'd like to know I'm not completely crazy for honestly questioning our budget and how this will work. Or completely crazy for trusting God to figure it out and make it happen. How do I get these two to cooperate?

I might just need a glass of wine or a long bath, but I gave it up for Lent - the bath, that is - not the wine. I gave that up for Simon.

The lady that bought our house.

Seriously, you guys. She messaged me on Facebook and has given me permission to share her story. If you don't already have a box of kleenex at your disposal, you might wanna hook that up real quick.

"Jude and Alisha,

Congrats on selling your house...and congrats to me on my very first home! Myself, my family and numerous friends have all been praying along side of you that this house would sell and I would be the buyer. From what I've read, you have this burden on you for 3.5 years and wondered what God was teaching you over this time. I can't exactly say what He had in mind for you but for me He had my timing in mind. I am a 28 year old single, divorced mom of two wonderful kids, Audrey (6) & Logan (4) and a survivor of 5 year domestically violent marriage. My credit was destroyed by my ex and I walked away 2.5 years ago with $100 to my name. I moved from Texas back home to "Normal" to start over. Never did I picture myself in a position to buy a house 2.5 years later. As selfish as it may sound, I am thankful for your struggle. Because of your struggle my kids and I can start a new chapter in our lives, which we are so ever grateful for. I impatiently waited 8 months to get this house. That is nothing in comparison to your 3.5 year wait. What I do know is that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28

I thought of your family often as I painted my new house. I could see the pretty blue color you had on the walls (left over behind the electrical face plates)and wondered how excited you guys must be to have this all DONE!!

On Monday Aug 6, 2012 at 12pm, all things did work together for both of our families. Mine started a new chapter and yours finally, after a long wait, closed one. I'm happy for you guys and I wish you all the best!! 

Becky"

God was preparing our home for her and our hearts for Him. Our pain, her pain, united together and offered to Christ at the foot of His Cross brought forth the peace and joy and new life we all share in now. May we never forget the goodness of the Lord.

A Lost Cause

We finally have an approval letter from the bank, stating that we can close on or before August 7th. So that's the good news.

The uncertain news is that the appraisal is being reviewed at the moment by a third party. A third party that we can have no contact with to say, "Hey, this house will be foreclosed on on August 8th, can you hurry up?" A third party that may need us to address more repairs, something we don't have time for. A third party that hasn't been dealing with our unique manufactured home and may have questions about the comparisons we gave them and why they don't quite match up. A third party that doesn't know me or Jude, or our beautiful children and could care less about us. A third party who, if they don't turn things in in time, could be the reason we lose that house to foreclosure.

We feel like it's a lost cause. And so, we call upon the name of our advocate and friend, St. Jude, the Patron of Desperate Situations and Hopeless Cases. Please pray with us, starting TODAY (30th) through AUGUST 7th.

Novena to St. Jude: (Our request will be that every bit of paper work is done and in place so that the closing scheduled for August 7th actually happens.)
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for us, are so helpless and alone. Intercede with God for us that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to our assistance in this great need that we may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all our necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
(make your request here)
- and that we may praise God with you and all the saints forever. We promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be  ever mindful of this great favor granted us by God and to always honor you as our special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen

PRAYER

May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the  tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.

May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen

St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.

Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all 


We have truly been touched by the amount of people who have committed to joining us in prayer. Thank you so, so much. 

I hate to say, "I told you so..."

But unfortunately we got word today that things are not going to happen in time for the July 30th closing date as scheduled. The appraisal isn't going to come in in time, so our short sale negotiator is submitting an extension to our lender for August 7th. And hopefully the rest can be completed in time for that, because our house is scheduled to be foreclosed on August 8th. There's still a chance that our bank will not approve the short sale now because we didn't meet the original deadline, but our negotiator is pretty confident that they will.

If you care to join us in prayer, we will start reciting The St. Jude Novena on July 30th (coincidentally?) so that it ends on the ninth day, August 7th (novenas are said every day for 9 consecutive days). Our request will be that every bit of paper work is done and in place so that the closing scheduled for August 7th actually happens.

Novena to St. Jude:
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for us, are so helpless and alone. Intercede with God for us that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to our assistance in this great need that we may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all our necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
(make your request here)
- and that we may praise God with you and all the saints forever. We promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be  ever mindful of this great favor granted us by God and to always honor you as our special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen

PRAYER

May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the  tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.

May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen

St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.

Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
(say this prayer, followed by theOur Fatherand theHail Mary)

source

Is it apathy or peace?

If you've been keeping track, we're trying to sell a house. No easy feat for our family, over 3 years later.

And now that we're 16 days away from a closing date, you'd think we'd be full of anticipation and excitement, hope and thankfulness. But the possibility of this closing date falling through (it's the 4th closing date we've had in the past 3 years), lingers over our heads and in the back of our minds.

We're not confident it'll be over soon. And then, even if the short sale does go through, we anticipate next year's taxes being rough, being forgiven all this debt by the banks.

That being said, and as much as I want this deal to go through, we have this easy calm about everything. Whether it goes through or not, we respond like a 16 year old. Whatever.

And I can't tell if we're just too tired to care anymore and have come to expect the worst - or if we have finally, truly discovered the peace of God.

Maybe it's a little of both?
Maybe they're one in the same?

I don't know, but I'm at least thankful that the emotional roller coaster I've been on for what seems like forever, is slowing making it's way back to the loading zone so I can get off and let someone else ride for a while.

So if, in the next 16 days, something happens and the closing date is postponed or canceled, we ask God to grant us the same grace and peace we have now, knowing and trusting in His great love and faithfulness, even if it's only because we're too tired and just acting like teenagers.

What's that?

We might actually have a closing date scheduled?

For reals?

July 30th, and the whole 3.3 years worth of crap is over?

Guess we'll have to wait another 28 days to find out...

Stay tuned. (And pray in the meantime.)

You may have been part of an (alleged) miracle!!

Bonnie received some great news today! Her son, James', story will officially be the alleged miracle submitted for the beatification of Venerable Sheen (he was just recently declared Venerable, too!)!

That means that if you prayed with us, you too, are part of this whole amazing thing!

You can find out more about the process and James' story by visiting Bonnie's blog.

Praise God!

Fortnight For Freedom

I didn't quite know what I wanted to write here today, about Fortnight For Freedom (the 14 days -starting today - devoted to fasting, prayer, and public action in defense of our Constitutional right to Religious Freedom, placed in jeopardy by the HHS Mandate).

Then I read Bonnie's short and simple post and decided to send you there.

Lord,
hear our prayer.

3 Years Strong.

I haven't decided the tone of this post yet, so I'm just gonna keep typing and let's see where it goes.

February 12, 2009, we listed our house for sale. I can feel our foolish excitement and the only anxiety within us was more like, Man, what if it sells so quickly and Jude's not finished with school yet... maybe we can move in with the Herr's until the summer...


Jude didn't even have a new job yet. But it didn't matter, we knew God was leading us somewhere else. I guess we just assumed that when the new job offer came in, the house would close shortly - seems like a practical plan that God would approve of, right?

I still don't get why we're here, 3 years later with a For Sale sign still stuck in the front yard (strategically placed above our buried St. Joseph statue). Yeah, yeah - those holier than I would speak up now with their, "God works in mysterious ways - this might not make sense now, but in a few years it probably will," or their, "God teaches us patience, prayer, and faithfulness through life's burdens," or their "Here's an opportunity to offer it up for the souls in purgatory."

The same folks would then remind me that, "It could be so much worse," and that, "Jude has a good job," and that, "You've got a great rental house, though."

Sorry. That kind of stuff works 6 months to maybe a year of waiting. But when you start hitting the 2-3 year mark, you just want the lesson to be gone and the problem solved. All you can seem to mutter in nightly prayer is a mere, "Let it sell and let it be Your will." Forget the whole searching of the soul thingy because it's too cloudy in there from all the disappointment to even see the step before you.

My point is, it doesn't matter why. And spending more energy on that part isn't helping. We've conceded that we may never understand the why. Instead, I can only dwell on the how.

How have we made it this far, three years strong? A faithful God. Generous parents. Supportive friends. A great sense of humor. And a degree from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

At times I feel cursed and blessed at the same time. But if we have to carry this burden, still yet to be lifted, I am thankful that we're at least in the shape we're in.

This post feels unresolved right now, which is how my life feels at the moment. It feels awkward to end here and since I don't know what else to do, I'll end it like I do before sleep.


Let it sell and let it be Your will.
Amen.

I mean, c'mon God - we even got rid of Steve Stevens...

The Second Reading

Apparently, today's Second Reading was for me. Thanks, St. Paul.
(I bolded the text particularly striking for me)

"Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you."

Philipians 4:6-9

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to logistically live in peace, when surrounded by junk. And St. Paul says something really obvious, but really profound for me, "... whatever is lovely... worthy of praise, think about these things." I'm so bad at focusing on the problems. Poor Jude, he knows. And since I can't count on my circumstances to ever get better - no one can - I must, by the grace of God, recognize the lovely, those worthy of praise, and I must make conscious efforts to do this daily.

This reminds me of a passage from one of my favorite texts written by Thomas Kempis, The Imitation of Christ:

"Do no think, therefore, that you have found true peace when you feel no grief, or that all is well with you when you have no adversary, or that all is perfect when everything happens as you desire, or even that you are great in God's sight or especially loved by Him because you have great fervor in devotion and great sweetness in contemplation. A true lover of virtue is not known by these things, and the true perfection of man does not stand in them."

True peace is independent of all of this. Good times or bad, peace remains. And a virtuous life, fruitful and honorable, is the road to that peace. I can't remember if it's in The Imitation of Christ or Introduction to the Devout Life, but one of the authors reflects on the importance of this inner altar or tabernacle that holds the presence of Christ within so guarded and protected that it is unaffected by outside conditions. Even favorable conditions mean nothing because the presence of Christ within is unchanging, it is Truth.

I must come back to that practice, kneeling before Christ, present in the living tabernacle of my heart, and resting in His peace, whether it's raining or shining outside.

(And it's also probably a good idea to keep running and eating better... must keep that living tabernacle pumping...)

Well, that seems about right.

If you've talked to me recently, you know that I'm in a pretty bad funk. So bad that I wanted to write a post all about it, listing every synonym for funk here for you to see (because, you know, writing funk once can't possibly convey the message by itself.)

Funny little thing though. Thesarus.com refused to load the page for funk. And in fact, the mouse cursor stopped working and I couldn't even find the arrow on my screen.

And that's about right.

I feel like every day there's one (but usually seven) small moments of trial that I'm met with. Things rarely seem to go smoothly for me when I set out to accomplish something - from sending a package in the mail (almost three weeks ago that still hasn't gotten there), to consistently missing the return phone call of the insurance agent who instinctively calls when I'm putting Charlotte to sleep, to the technical difficulties of Skype that keep us from video chatting with family.

I know these things happen to everyone everyday and it seems silly to get all in a frenzy about them - but gosh, they add up. My coping skills are maxed out from normal daily life with 2 small ones and the extreme financial strain we're under at the moment (Dave Ramsey, your Financial Peace University has its work cut out) - I can't take these little dramas. I have no more resources or skills to pull from and I think I'm drowning.

I mean - we brought our girls to the church nursery today before Mass even started. If you know us, you know that's a big deal. I really needed church. I really needed Jesus, and joy, and peace, and silence, and grace. Oh, grace - God grant me grace.

Maybe I need counseling (or no more calls from the mortgage lender), because really - what good am I if I break down balling at every burnt piece of toast or warm tub of yogurt placed on the pantry shelf instead of in the refrigerator?

And the worst part to me about feeling like this (other than feeling like a terrible wife and mother) is that I have no energy for others. I don't feel like calling them, checking in on them, wishing them happy birthdays, commenting on their photos or blogs, making them dinners or handmade gifts, or writing them cards or emails. And if I've done these in the recent future, I'm faking it. I really just feel like sleeping, standing in a hot shower, or eating bread and butter. That's my pity-party. (And I'm sorry you had to show up.)

I know the problem is at my core. I can't depend on my circumstances to be ideal everyday, no one's are. I need to be at peace within, solid through and through, so that these random acts of madness don't get at me. I just don't know how to get there exactly - healthy diet and exercise? more prayer? acts of selflessness and generosity? all of those?

Dear God,
Please help me get there,
or if nothing else,
just stay with me here.
Amen.

So this is the end, yet only the beginning.

I'm not really sure where this post will go, I'm kind of raw right now. So buckle up...

We're walking away from the house. The house in Bloomington that we've been trying to get rid of since February 2009. Technically, there's a year in there somewhere when we had a renter (you, know waiting for the market to "rebound.") but we all know how that ended. Either way, this burden has been pretty heavy for the last 2.5 years.

There's a dilemma within me - wanting to explain everything, analyze everything, re-do everything and at the same time forget everything and not think of it ever again. There's a part of me that wants to list all of the things we did to try to get it sold or all of the disasters that have happened since we've tried to sell it, as if having your sympathy or pat-on-the-back would make me feel better. But I'm striving to be a little more like St. Gerard this year... (I'm not that great at it...)

The hardest thing about walking away from it is that honestly, I thought it was going to sell before we moved to Starkville (August 2009). Then I thought we'd sell it by the time Charlotte was born (July 2010). Then I thought we'd sell it by the end of this summer (August 2011). I had real, authentic faith that God was going to take this from us in a very normal way, a closing date at a bank somewhere. I was even able to let go of the desire for profit, and trust that even having to pay at closing, God would find us a buyer. I'm not saying those years were void of blessings. God knows we still lived very well and learned a ton about prayers and petitions, suffering and redemption, patience and faith. But in the end, I thought the house would sell after we "got" it all.

I really have some issues to work out between me and God, because honestly, I'm a little heartbroken things didn't work out differently. I'm not sure how to process all of this disappointment for the past 2.5 years without a seemingly good resolution. I hope that in 5, 10, maybe 25 years, hindsight will be my best friend. But I've come to the understanding that even then, this whole mess might not make a load of sense and maybe never will in this lifetime. All I can hope for is that at the hour of my death, I won't have to suffer anymore and God'll say, "Remember that house? Yeah... come on in." (Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.)

And on top of the disappointment, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the implications people will draw from our circumstances and push further from God. I'm afraid of the next possible steps - short sale, foreclosure, bankruptcy - and the effects on our lives years from now. I'm afraid that though this is the end, it's really only the beginning. And I'm kind of tired - I'm not ready for a whole new year's worth of struggle.

I just want someone to rip the band-aid off already. You know?

I'm not sure if I'll revisit this topic again, or if I'll keep you posted on how this really wraps up in the next few months or year. You might be just as tired of all of this as we are and would rather read Verbatims. I don't blame you. But please know that we have only made it through this somewhat sanely thanks to your prayers, concern, support, and encouragement. Thank you ever so much.

Who - not what

Today I was having a conversation with God in my head. It went a little like this,

God, I know it would be really nice and easy on us if we could just get rid of that house - but I also really want it gone so that You may receive glory.

I mean, it would have been such a great witness for our unbelieving friends to see the power of prayer and faithfulness, or to our non-Catholic friends who misunderstand novenas or the intercession of saints.

I really wanted us to be that family with the amazing story of "One day after the novena, our house was sold," because I truly want others to see how mighty You are, what great deeds You do. Maybe we could have brought souls to You or back to the Church.

And yeah, I understand the whole 'suffering is redemptive' perspective, but to other people it could just look like you're forgetting us, and that's hard to explain to others who are already having a hard time with You - no offense...

And I immediately thought of my friend Bonnie as an example. Her son was born without a heartbeat for over an hour and spent a good while in the NICU. Doctors, nurses, specialists - all gave predictions of the worst for him. But her family immediately called upon family, friends, and strangers for prayer for his complete healing. (And in no way do I mean to compare the potential of losing our house and money to that of losing a child. The similarities exist in the way we've approached our very different crosses. And she's probably done a better job at it than I have.) But through the faith and prayers of Bonnie and those she loves, I believe God healed James. It was truly a miracle that we were able to witness. And now, her story - James's story, gives glory to God.

And for a moment, how foolish of me, I thought that somehow God missed a great opportunity to use us. So foolish, I know. But in weakness, I thought, how discouraging our story could be for someone already struggling with God's presence in their lives or struggling with prayer or Catholicism.

And as quickly as I thought it, God revealed something great to me. It went a little like this,

I know the plans I have for you. Yes, you are called to carry this cross, as Bonnie was called to hers. But your roads are different. I am restoring faith in the hearts of people through healing My son, James. But for you, I am asking that you remain faithful to prayer and hope and sacrifice even without the rewards for the time being. This is so that others may see not just what I can do, but Who I am. I am not just the Healer, Creator, Miracle Worker, Protector, or Provider.

I Am God. And that is enough.

So family and friends - strangers who read this blog and know our house-hell story - I hope that I've in some way been a fraction of what God needs me to be, so that I may testify to His unconditional love for me, and you, even when the circumstances seem otherwise. Forgive me in my failings and encourage me in my weaknesses. God bless you and may praise and glory be to the Blessed Trinity.

What? Today's not Mother's Day, too?

We had the blessing of being in LA this weekend with our mothers, so the blog is just now getting updated. We wrote this prayer for them that we will recite as a novena to St. Anne. We are sure of their faithfulness in prayer for us and our intentions, and we just wanted to give them the same attention in prayer. Thank you so much, Linda and Cindy, for your beautiful, holy examples - we love you!

And for me, my hubby did a first - he bought me a dress. It's been an understanding that we don't exchange gifts for mother's day and father's day, but he saw it in the window when we were taking a walk downtown and thought, "I think Alisha would look pretty in this," and he bought it. Sweet, huh? But still on his "design list" is an updated version of the illustration of our little family that he plans to do each year. I'll post it when it's ready.

And I'll have the photos of Joan's birthday party, Madelyn's baptism, and Mother's Day up throughout the week, so stop back by. 

Big Poppa

Please say a quick prayer for my father-in-law, Ross, who was in a car accident earlier today. Thankfully, he's ok, but he's staying overnight in the hospital for observation. His apparently blacked-out and ran into a pole. No one else was involved.

The prayers of his wife were no doubt being heard during the crash because she was doing her holy hour just a block away. People stopped to help him and one of them ran over to get her, so she was able to be there soon after the accident.

We ask the Lord to hear our prayers of thanks for his protection right now, too.

Pigeonholed

In my efforts to understand our situation with not being able to sell the house and dealing with the problems from the tenant and the repairs and blah, blah, blah, I guess I've pigeonholed God.

I think,
He's teaching us to pray.
He's teaching us to trust.
He's teaching us to sacrifice.
He's teaching us to be humble.
He's teaching us to be generous.

But once I feel like we've learned the lesson, I'm confused at why our situation continues. Why isn't it resolved. Are we in fact, still doing something wrong? What else do we need to learn?

But God is not a teacher. To say so, is to insufficiently describe Him. He's bigger than that - bigger than everything. No written word or name can accurately describe our God. St. John of the Cross points out that our natural intellect can get in the way of our complete union with God because it can only bring us so far.

Once we begin to create an image of Him and how He relates to our lives - we pigeonhole Him, we close Him into this tiny little box that He was never meant to be in. And our spiritual lives suffer because we are left frustrated and confused, or in my case, angry that He didn't fulfill my expectation of what that title means. I mean, I showed up for class, participated, and answered all the questions right. I want that A+, I want my house sold - I'm not even asking for a profit anymore or to miraculously make back all the money we've lost - I just want it gone.

But in this is my mistake. Getting the house sold is not "my grade" or a reflection of what kind of a student I am - and if it does sell, it's not because I did X,Y, and Z perfectly. I've got to try and leave behind my interpretations of what the heck is going on with our house (or any of life's circumstances) and stop trying to make sense of it all. Yes, it's helped me to view this experience as a lesson from the great Teacher - but that's only been able to bring me thus far, and now our house is still for sale, our bank account is low, and our spirits are tired. And if I continue to expect God to live up to the name that I have given Him, I'll most surely be disappointed. Because this might not ever make sense to me until I'm with Him in paradise and by then - whatever happpened to me on Earth won't even matter anymore, because I'll be living in a mansion.

And this is the stance I'm taking today. Wish me luck (or grace, really).

Solemnity of St. Joseph

Thank you to everyone who joined us in the nine day novena prayer to St. Jude. I know that he will continue to pray for us, as I'm sure you will, too.

And to celebrate St. Joseph's feast day today - I hope some of you will get this tonight - we are starting a new novena to him that can be found here. And as always, you are invited to join us in prayer, even if you don't begin today.

Today we wrote our petitions down and placed them before the altar of St. Joseph that a local church set up. The tradition of setting up an altar full of flowers, sweets and breads began when people in Sicily asked for his intercession during a famine and after they were sustained, they offered up crops in thanksgiving to him in the form of breads, desserts, and meatless dishes - because it was during Lent.

I know that your prayers and those of the saints are sustaining us now, and I look forward to the future when we can celebrate and feast in the blessings and provisions of God our Father.

But let it be known, that we do not think of these novenas as magic. Our desire is to join these virtuous men and women in heaven in prayer, both for our needs and the needs of others. Novenas are really a call to devotion and discipline, and to model our lives after the holy ones. Even though our house did not sell this week when our St. Jude novena ended, our lives are hopefully that much closer to looking like St. Jude's and our hearts are full of the confidence that this holy man is thinking and praying for us. When I was searching for a novena to recite for St. Joseph, I came across this hot mess and it's missing the point all together and casts a bad light on those who's desire is to honor, not disgrace. So please keep this in mind as you pray for us, and may your prayers, as well as mine, come from a pure and holy place.

St. Jude, Pray for us.
St. Joseph, Pray for us.

Real Quick

I don't have a lot of time to write a great post here, but that's ok - Jen over at Conversion Diary already did that for me.

We're starting a St. John of the Cross study at church for Lent and last night's meeting briefly talked about our need to detach from the things of this world and to quiet our appetites for anything other than God, in order to be in true union with Him and ultimately satisfied.

And I know that I've been really attached to the selling of our house. Lot's of people are. I'm not quite sure how to balance it - praying for it to be sold, but still having an attitude of detachment about it. Sometimes I think that once the house is sold, my life will be so much better. But Jen touches on this in her post this morning,

"As I’ve said many times before, one of the most shocking truths I discovered when I converted to Christianity was that autonomy is not the path to happiness. The golden calf that I spent most of my life worshiping turned out to be a dead idol. I always thought that the secret to a fantastic life was to optimize on getting as much autonomy as possible so that I could do whatever pleased me, whenever I felt like doing it. Boy was I surprised when I found out that that kind of life left me amused but not deeply happy, and that the only source of real happiness — of joy — is God. And you only need to glance at a crucifix to be reminded that God is the God of self-sacrifice."

Maybe once the house is sold, I might be a bit happier. I'm sure the financial relief will feel good. But the financial burden it puts on us now is not what's stealing my joy - the amount of attachment I have about our circumstance is the real culprit. I give that house so much weight and so much control over my emotions. I go 'round and 'round in prayer - my friend Rebecca helped me identify this in my own life - from "God, I know you'll provide," to "Thank you for this struggle and the graces we've received from it," to "Ok, that's enough now, I've learned my lesson. Please get rid of it." But 5 years from now we could be crazy wealthy, or with no debt. But if I haven't figured out (by God's grace) how to detach myself from the things of this world, then my joy will still be incomplete.

Today my prayer is that every time the phone rings, I won't think, Is that our agent with an offer? or What's the problem, now? Today my prayer will be, God, lead me to true joy, however You'd have me get there.

Even as I write that, I'm anxious about what that however will be.

I have a long way to go, huh?

And now I must finish laundry so we can actually wear clean clothes for our trip to LA. And hopefully I can find some fun stuff to do for St. Patrick's Day and the Solemnity of St. Joseph - traveling always puts a small kink in celebrating the liturgical calendar, even though our families enjoy being Catholic, too.

How will it sell?

Doubt is rearing its little head again.

The house went back on the market yesterday and for a while now, up until today, I've been pretty confident that things might actually work out for us. Finally.

But then I checked the current listing and the pictures of the house as it is now... and I'm anxious. I'm doubtful. I'm worried.

True, the tenant's things are not our exact taste, but they don't make the house look horrible. But the kitchen... the way she has it arranged with the movable island right in the middle of the walkway, is really stressing me out.

But can't people just look past that, Alisha? You might ask.

I don't know. Can they? Because when our house was at its best - furnished with cool stuff, freshly painted, spotless, with a sugar cookie candle burning when they walked in to view the house - it did not sell.

And now, with a single mom and four boys living in that little house, probably not up to the standards that I would hold before showing it to potential buyers, how will it sell? Now after the mice, the furnace, dishwasher, toilet, and refrigerator breaking, how will it sell? Now with having to work around the tenant's schedule to go and view the house, how will it sell? Now with pictures that don't do the house justice or the absence of a fancy virtual tour, how will it sell? Now that it's labeled a manufactured home, on the outside of town, how will it sell? Now that the housing crisis is still going on, how will it sell?

It'll take an Act of God to sell. That's what we need, now. An Act of God.

And while I confidently know the ease with which God can make this all disappear - in my weakness today, I doubt. I doubt it'll sell.

Please pray for me. And for my family. And for the house. And for the tenant. And for the buyers. And for the bankers. And for the inspectors. And for the agents. And for the attorneys.

We need this Act of God - bad.

**Update** I emailed our agent pictures from before we left, with the kitchen arranged better, and he said he would add them. (psst, God, that means Your job should be a tiny bit easier...)

Madelyn Claire

Please pray for my sweet little niece, Madelyn, who's been in the hospital for pneumonia. She's been there for a few days and they're not going to get home today, not until she has been off oxygen for most of the day and breathing treatments every four hours.

Please also pray for her sister, Emily, who has an ear infection and fever.

St. Bernadette, patron of those ill, please pray for Emily and Madelyn.
Jesus Christ, our Healer and Comforter, please restore good health to Emily and Madelyn, and bring them peace.
Amen.