In my efforts to understand our situation with not being able to sell the house and dealing with the problems from the tenant and the repairs and blah, blah, blah, I guess I've pigeonholed God.
He's teaching us to pray.
He's teaching us to trust.
He's teaching us to sacrifice.
He's teaching us to be humble.
He's teaching us to be generous.
But once I feel like we've learned the lesson, I'm confused at why our situation continues. Why isn't it resolved. Are we in fact, still doing something wrong? What else do we need to learn?
But God is not a teacher. To say so, is to insufficiently describe Him. He's bigger than that - bigger than everything. No written word or name can accurately describe our God. St. John of the Cross points out that our natural intellect can get in the way of our complete union with God because it can only bring us so far.
Once we begin to create an image of Him and how He relates to our lives - we pigeonhole Him, we close Him into this tiny little box that He was never meant to be in. And our spiritual lives suffer because we are left frustrated and confused, or in my case, angry that He didn't fulfill my expectation of what that title means. I mean, I showed up for class, participated, and answered all the questions right. I want that A+, I want my house sold - I'm not even asking for a profit anymore or to miraculously make back all the money we've lost - I just want it gone.
But in this is my mistake. Getting the house sold is not "my grade" or a reflection of what kind of a student I am - and if it does sell, it's not because I did X,Y, and Z perfectly. I've got to try and leave behind my interpretations of what the heck is going on with our house (or any of life's circumstances) and stop trying to make sense of it all. Yes, it's helped me to view this experience as a lesson from the great Teacher - but that's only been able to bring me thus far, and now our house is still for sale, our bank account is low, and our spirits are tired. And if I continue to expect God to live up to the name that I have given Him, I'll most surely be disappointed. Because this might not ever make sense to me until I'm with Him in paradise and by then - whatever happpened to me on Earth won't even matter anymore, because I'll be living in a mansion.
And this is the stance I'm taking today. Wish me luck (or grace, really).