I'm not really sure where this post will go, I'm kind of raw right now. So buckle up...
We're walking away from the house. The house in Bloomington that we've been trying to get rid of since February 2009. Technically, there's a year in there somewhere when we had a renter (you, know waiting for the market to "rebound.") but we all know how that ended. Either way, this burden has been pretty heavy for the last 2.5 years.
There's a dilemma within me - wanting to explain everything, analyze everything, re-do everything and at the same time forget everything and not think of it ever again. There's a part of me that wants to list all of the things we did to try to get it sold or all of the disasters that have happened since we've tried to sell it, as if having your sympathy or pat-on-the-back would make me feel better. But I'm striving to be a little more like St. Gerard this year... (I'm not that great at it...)
The hardest thing about walking away from it is that honestly, I thought it was going to sell before we moved to Starkville (August 2009). Then I thought we'd sell it by the time Charlotte was born (July 2010). Then I thought we'd sell it by the end of this summer (August 2011). I had real, authentic faith that God was going to take this from us in a very normal way, a closing date at a bank somewhere. I was even able to let go of the desire for profit, and trust that even having to pay at closing, God would find us a buyer. I'm not saying those years were void of blessings. God knows we still lived very well and learned a ton about prayers and petitions, suffering and redemption, patience and faith. But in the end, I thought the house would sell after we "got" it all.
I really have some issues to work out between me and God, because honestly, I'm a little heartbroken things didn't work out differently. I'm not sure how to process all of this disappointment for the past 2.5 years without a seemingly good resolution. I hope that in 5, 10, maybe 25 years, hindsight will be my best friend. But I've come to the understanding that even then, this whole mess might not make a load of sense and maybe never will in this lifetime. All I can hope for is that at the hour of my death, I won't have to suffer anymore and God'll say, "Remember that house? Yeah... come on in." (Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.)
And on top of the disappointment, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the implications people will draw from our circumstances and push further from God. I'm afraid of the next possible steps - short sale, foreclosure, bankruptcy - and the effects on our lives years from now. I'm afraid that though this is the end, it's really only the beginning. And I'm kind of tired - I'm not ready for a whole new year's worth of struggle.
I just want someone to rip the band-aid off already. You know?
I'm not sure if I'll revisit this topic again, or if I'll keep you posted on how this really wraps up in the next few months or year. You might be just as tired of all of this as we are and would rather read Verbatims. I don't blame you. But please know that we have only made it through this somewhat sanely thanks to your prayers, concern, support, and encouragement. Thank you ever so much.