I'm in such a rut.
Not the I'm tired of cooking the same thing rut.
Not the I hate everything in my closet rut.
Not the I need a new hobby or something else to do rut.
Or any of those other, very natural, ruts we phase in and out of over the years.
No, my rut seems to be more of a stress-rut turned hopeless-rut. Like, I know exactly what I want to happen and I feel like it's God's will, but I can't fathom how it's realistic at all. So I get stressed and then hopeless.
I'm a stay at home mom, and we want that. We also want to send Joan to Catholic school next fall and we've been given God's peace about that decision. But whether it's my higher (pregnancy-induced) stress & anxiety level or the very real impending tax season (apparently it's not good to be forgiven $44,000 of debt according to the IRS) - I can't seem to shake the worry that our decision might be too costly to pull off.
We've come so far - financially - through hard work, tight budgets, and the generosity of others. And to pay for school, owe the IRS (which we'll find out soon if that's the case), and end my extra income in May (Evelyn's family is moving to Canada & I'm having a baby...), it's making it very difficult to understand how we'll make this all work and continue moving ahead financially. Especially over the future years.
Now, I believe in the power of God. And I have witnessed firsthand His provision. So it's easy to tell myself that it will all work out and things will fall into place if this is His will. But man, I cannot shake the worry, the doubt, the confusion, or the discouragement at the moment. It would be nice to just blame this on pregnancy hormones, but these are very legitimate concerns and I'm not sure how to battle them.
So, I'm not really sure where to go from here - how to wrap this up. But I'd like to know I'm not completely crazy for honestly questioning our budget and how this will work. Or completely crazy for trusting God to figure it out and make it happen. How do I get these two to cooperate?
I might just need a glass of wine or a long bath, but I gave it up for Lent - the bath, that is - not the wine. I gave that up for Simon.