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Thursday, February 21, 2013

You guys,

I'm in such a rut.

Not the I'm tired of cooking the same thing rut.

Not the I hate everything in my closet rut.

Not the I need a new hobby or something else to do rut.

Or any of those other, very natural, ruts we phase in and out of over the years.

No, my rut seems to be more of a stress-rut turned hopeless-rut. Like, I know exactly what I want to happen and I feel like it's God's will, but I can't fathom how it's realistic at all. So I get stressed and then hopeless.

I'm a stay at home mom, and we want that. We also want to send Joan to Catholic school next fall and we've been given God's peace about that decision. But whether it's my higher (pregnancy-induced) stress & anxiety level or the very real impending tax season (apparently it's not good to be forgiven $44,000 of debt according to the IRS) - I can't seem to shake the worry that our decision might be too costly to pull off.

We've come so far - financially - through hard work, tight budgets, and the generosity of others. And to pay for school, owe the IRS (which we'll find out soon if that's the case), and end my extra income in May (Evelyn's family is moving to Canada & I'm having a baby...), it's making it very difficult to understand how we'll make this all work and continue moving ahead financially. Especially over the future years.

Now, I believe in the power of God. And I have witnessed firsthand His provision. So it's easy to tell myself that it will all work out and things will fall into place if this is His will. But man, I cannot shake the worry, the doubt, the confusion, or the discouragement at the moment. It would be nice to just blame this on pregnancy hormones, but these are very legitimate concerns and I'm not sure how to battle them.

So, I'm not really sure where to go from here - how to wrap this up. But I'd like to know I'm not completely crazy for honestly questioning our budget and how this will work. Or completely crazy for trusting God to figure it out and make it happen. How do I get these two to cooperate?

I might just need a glass of wine or a long bath, but I gave it up for Lent - the bath, that is - not the wine. I gave that up for Simon.


Emily said...

I so feel for you!

All I can say is that I'll pray for you. And that we're there too. In a slightly different way, but we are in that, "how can this even work?" financial quandary. And it is so discouraging. Adding in pregnancy hormones and needy children, and it's a recipe for non-stop headaches and constant stress. How I wish we were on the other side and saying, "Gee, so that's what God had in mind the whole time!"

Mandie said...

Girl, I think reaching out for support is the best thing you can do. First of all, now we can all pray for your situation and make the prayers that much stronger. Second of all, other people have been there and may have some good advice for you. And third of all, sometimes it helps to voice out.your thoughts instead of keeping them inside. Inside your head they just jumble around. Now that they are listed, you can organize and prioritize.

Love you. And thinking of you and your amazing family. :)


Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

No advice from me-we're right there with you. But Simon told me he wanted you to have a glass of wine.

The Joneses said...

Trust God. Don't put Him in a box, because He's bigger than your circumstances!! If He desires for Joan to attend Catholic School, He will make it happen. He'll cause finances to come through, even if it is through other means...scholarship, side job, etc. Continue in earnest prayer for doors to be opened, and Trust and expect that God will move. Stressing out doesn't help. It just makes the "waiting room" miserable. Remember that when things seem hopeless, it's an opportunity for God to receive all the Glory, because we can't do anything in our own power to change our circumstances.

Lisa said...

ugh, I cannot help you except through prayer. I am terrible at this. It's true, looking back, you can usually see God's loving hand, even during those painful times when you think everything is wrong.

Have you ever read the book Searching for and Maintaining Peace? It really helps me through times like these (which seem to be more often than not)

On a lighter note, when you said you gave up wine for Simon, my first thought was, Why did Alisha make such a crazy deal with Simon Patton? And then slowly I realized which Simon you were talking about...