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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Well, that seems about right.

If you've talked to me recently, you know that I'm in a pretty bad funk. So bad that I wanted to write a post all about it, listing every synonym for funk here for you to see (because, you know, writing funk once can't possibly convey the message by itself.)

Funny little thing though. Thesarus.com refused to load the page for funk. And in fact, the mouse cursor stopped working and I couldn't even find the arrow on my screen.

And that's about right.

I feel like every day there's one (but usually seven) small moments of trial that I'm met with. Things rarely seem to go smoothly for me when I set out to accomplish something - from sending a package in the mail (almost three weeks ago that still hasn't gotten there), to consistently missing the return phone call of the insurance agent who instinctively calls when I'm putting Charlotte to sleep, to the technical difficulties of Skype that keep us from video chatting with family.

I know these things happen to everyone everyday and it seems silly to get all in a frenzy about them - but gosh, they add up. My coping skills are maxed out from normal daily life with 2 small ones and the extreme financial strain we're under at the moment (Dave Ramsey, your Financial Peace University has its work cut out) - I can't take these little dramas. I have no more resources or skills to pull from and I think I'm drowning.

I mean - we brought our girls to the church nursery today before Mass even started. If you know us, you know that's a big deal. I really needed church. I really needed Jesus, and joy, and peace, and silence, and grace. Oh, grace - God grant me grace.

Maybe I need counseling (or no more calls from the mortgage lender), because really - what good am I if I break down balling at every burnt piece of toast or warm tub of yogurt placed on the pantry shelf instead of in the refrigerator?

And the worst part to me about feeling like this (other than feeling like a terrible wife and mother) is that I have no energy for others. I don't feel like calling them, checking in on them, wishing them happy birthdays, commenting on their photos or blogs, making them dinners or handmade gifts, or writing them cards or emails. And if I've done these in the recent future, I'm faking it. I really just feel like sleeping, standing in a hot shower, or eating bread and butter. That's my pity-party. (And I'm sorry you had to show up.)

I know the problem is at my core. I can't depend on my circumstances to be ideal everyday, no one's are. I need to be at peace within, solid through and through, so that these random acts of madness don't get at me. I just don't know how to get there exactly - healthy diet and exercise? more prayer? acts of selflessness and generosity? all of those?

Dear God,
Please help me get there,
or if nothing else,
just stay with me here.


Veronica said...

I think you're being much too hard on yourself!

And I was actually just about to post about how much I appreciate my church family and those who occasionally call me, check on me, feed me, spend time with me, and comment on my blog. Somedays, these people are the only ones I have in my corner rooting for me, and it means the world to me!

As for coping techniques, I've found a good cry and a hot bath usually works, followed by "Lord, I can't do this on my own, and quite frankly, I'm worn out. You're going to have to help me if this is your will," is somewhat helpful.

I get paid Friday, and I promise to come visit soon.

Bonnie said...

I agree with Veronica - you're being too hard on yourself.

It's not okay to spend the rest of your life in bed, but it is okay to have a hard day, week, time. I think you've got some pretty good reasons to feel the way you do.

So don't comment or call or wish someone a happy birthday. Your friends won't be hurt by it since WE ALL understand having to conserve energy so we can make toast, change a diaper, not scream so loud the neighbors will hear.

I like to think about the prophet Jeremiah. People wanted him dead (that sucks)and so he told God he wasn't gonna do it anymore. (I know that feeling.) And then God placed in him a burning desire to do the job. (I think of it as the grace to fullfill the vocation.) We don't know if it was immediate, but I like to think that Jeremiah was struggling for awhile; to me that makes sense.

So I think about that, and I pray like Veronica does, and I usually try to get Trav to take the kids for a good 5 hours so I can be alone. I usually watch movies, fold laundry, and cry. It works for me. :)

The Whatleys said...

I also agree that you are being too hard on yourself. You have so much on your plate right now that it is no wonder you feel like you are drowning.

I know that periods in your life like this feel like they will go on forever, but they won't. Just keep the faith, remember that you have so many people praying for you, and God will see you through!

And, know that you are a GREAT friend and a lot of fun to be around (even if you are faking it!) :)

The Brown's said...

one coping strategy i use is running. not really from the physiological standpoint, but, from a psychological/metaphorical one. since it's impossible to physically run away from anything as an adult, a mother, a homeowner, and a wife, i've found it effective to mentally allow myself to run away from the accumulated frustrations/stress. by the time i leave the driveway, i have a big mental bag-o-crap that eventually gets sorted, processed, and dumped out along my route.

sometimes it takes only a day, but other times it can take a whole month of running to dump some things out.

hoping for healing

Kristi said...

I've been thinking of you and your situation and will continue to think of you. If there is anything I can do to help you, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm sure I owe you a babysitting... or two.

Lisa said...

Oh, Alisha, my heart hurts for you. I know our circumstances were/are different, but after Margot I had a terrible time, so I can relate to the lack of coping skills, faking it, etc. Honestly, diet and especially exercise was the most help for me, those endorphins really help. And faking it? Yes, totally there too. But faking it is still better than nothing. Even in prayer, when I felt I was "faking" it, I had to trust that God was there, the grace was there to get me through it, even if I didn't feel it or couldn't tell a difference. Any good thing in my life I knew was from God because I had nothing, nothing left. I wish we could be there to help, even if it's to be a "helper" and watch the kids so you can do whatever. Since we can't, we'll pray.

Rebecca Currier said...


Your prayer at the end of this post made me tear up. It's just so beautiful, and I am amazed that even in the midst of so much you can stand before God and expose your heart to him.

Your entire family is in my prayers. You know how I'm also no good at writing on a regular basis; everybody gets that way sometimes. Let me amend what I always tell you when you apologize for not keeping in touch: God has put many, many cool people in this world, and many, many wonderful things to experience, and many, many challenges, or "opportunities to grow" or whatever you want to call them. This is an act of gratuitous over-giving on God's part, not an invitation for you to try to do it all and feel inadequate when you aren't Him.

I miss you! I'm also a bit overwhelmed by life at the moment, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make myself some bread and butter while I run a hot shower before going to sleep. Truly, you are a genius.