If you've talked to me recently, you know that I'm in a pretty bad funk. So bad that I wanted to write a post all about it, listing every synonym for funk here for you to see (because, you know, writing funk once can't possibly convey the message by itself.)
Funny little thing though. Thesarus.com refused to load the page for funk. And in fact, the mouse cursor stopped working and I couldn't even find the arrow on my screen.
And that's about right.
I feel like every day there's one (but usually seven) small moments of trial that I'm met with. Things rarely seem to go smoothly for me when I set out to accomplish something - from sending a package in the mail (almost three weeks ago that still hasn't gotten there), to consistently missing the return phone call of the insurance agent who instinctively calls when I'm putting Charlotte to sleep, to the technical difficulties of Skype that keep us from video chatting with family.
I know these things happen to everyone everyday and it seems silly to get all in a frenzy about them - but gosh, they add up. My coping skills are maxed out from normal daily life with 2 small ones and the extreme financial strain we're under at the moment (Dave Ramsey, your Financial Peace University has its work cut out) - I can't take these little dramas. I have no more resources or skills to pull from and I think I'm drowning.
I mean - we brought our girls to the church nursery today before Mass even started. If you know us, you know that's a big deal. I really needed church. I really needed Jesus, and joy, and peace, and silence, and grace. Oh, grace - God grant me grace.
Maybe I need counseling (or no more calls from the mortgage lender), because really - what good am I if I break down balling at every burnt piece of toast or warm tub of yogurt placed on the pantry shelf instead of in the refrigerator?
And the worst part to me about feeling like this (other than feeling like a terrible wife and mother) is that I have no energy for others. I don't feel like calling them, checking in on them, wishing them happy birthdays, commenting on their photos or blogs, making them dinners or handmade gifts, or writing them cards or emails. And if I've done these in the recent future, I'm faking it. I really just feel like sleeping, standing in a hot shower, or eating bread and butter. That's my pity-party. (And I'm sorry you had to show up.)
I know the problem is at my core. I can't depend on my circumstances to be ideal everyday, no one's are. I need to be at peace within, solid through and through, so that these random acts of madness don't get at me. I just don't know how to get there exactly - healthy diet and exercise? more prayer? acts of selflessness and generosity? all of those?
Please help me get there,
or if nothing else,
just stay with me here.