Can I be honest?

I mentioned in an earlier post that the patron saint chosen for me for 2011 was St. Gerard Majella, widely known as the Saint of Motherhood. But I left a few details out.

You see, he's probably more known for his intercessory work for women trying to conceive, women who are currently pregnant, or women who are in labor (difficult or life-threatening labors included).

I was scared.

I thought it was a sign that I might be pregnant or that I would be getting pregnant this year.

I was scared.

I'm not ready for a pregnancy. I'm not ready for labor. I'm not ready for delivery. I'm not ready for another newborn. I'm not ready. And readiness for me branches off into physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I'm not ready and I don't want God to think that I am.

That's honest.

Now, I know that I can still request prayers from St. Gerard regarding motherhood and look to his life as an example for my own, but come on - the patron of expectant mothers?!

Bonnie had this post about how God set the table for her and prepared her for the birth of James. And when I read it and was given a saint at random a month later, I was scared. (Which had little to do with James's difficulties at birth, even a safe and healthy pregnancy/delivery for momma and baby is scary to me right now.)

Do I feel like God is calling us to have another child this year? No. But if He up and decided that this year would be a good one, He would seriously have to set my table a little nicer because I'm not ready to eat that dinner right now. I'm actually still full from the one I just ate.

And because I was a little scared about why St. Gerard was in fact chosen for me (because most of my other friends got saints that I had never even heard of...), I've been searching the web for more clues or answers. And I think I stumbled upon one. (No, I'm not pregnant right now...).

But you'll have to wait for it, because it deserves a little more prayer, discernment, and discretion. Sorry, that's ambiguous, I know.

Now, go eat your dinner.