Trying not to beat myself up too much today (although Ash Wednesday seems like an appropriate day for that kind of thing...), but I've been feeling the weight of neglect lately.
Last year, I felt sort of on the ball with stuff. I knew what feast days and liturgical seasons were approaching and I had my act together enough to work out a celebration, simple as it may have been, to honor and remember those important days. And in the mean time, I somehow found the time to work with Joan on school-type stuff. I made batches and batches of fruit and veggie purees, strategically placed at dinner. My house stayed fairly clean and picked up. Jude and I ran daily. I sewed lots of fun stuff. The laundry never seemed to get out of control.
But not lately.
I could blame my lack of time or energy on a million legitimate and illegitimate reasons (still trying to convince myself that Downton Abbey is legitimate), but the bottom line is that I'm having a hard time balancing it all.
Is that how parenting just is, (or life in general)? Phases of feeling put together and soon after, falling apart?
Maybe I just have to wait this out. But soon, I'd like to feel more balanced, more at peace again. It's why I'm looking forward to Lent. I feel like I'm starting off on the right foot (which is actually the wrong foot), realizing how weak I am and how much my life needs Christ for peace & balance, patience & grace. And sure, it could use a little less reality TV, too. But my answer to the age old, what are you doing for Lent? is really simple, and something I should have been doing anyway. But at least it puts me in my place, humbles me and hopefully prepares me for my Lord.
"Yet even now, says the Lord,
return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting, and weeping, and mourning;
Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the Lord, your God.
For gracious and merciful is he,
slow to anger, rich in kindness,
and relenting in punishment."
Joel 2:12-13
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3 comments:
Alisha, you are too hard on yourself!!! Charlotte is at the hardest age because I'm sure she's into everything and you can't take your eyes off her! Plus... when we look into the past I think we all have rose colored glasses and remember the good things but not the hard ones as much! You always seem to have it together... give yourself a pat on the back! You can't be expected to do everything all the time!
The feeling is mutual! Sorry you're also feeling that way, I just posted something similar the other day. Here's hoping for brighter days ahead and feeling better about what we can accomplish in a day.
I am in the trenches with you. I feel like that too. I feel like I have it together for a while and before you know it we are back to the "hot mess" zone.
It will turn around. Prayer and patience.
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