Verbatim

"Momma, something's mattering me."


"Ok, Joan, let's get your pull-up on for nap."
Whimper, whimper, "But I don't want to rest my body."


"Momma, Uncle Mark is silly."
"Yeah, but he loves you."
"No. He's loves Sara. He loves her in his heart."
(Sara is Mark's sister/Joan's aunt)


"I'm the Immaculate Maception."


Jude: "Joan, do you need to go to the bathroom?"
"No ma'am, my father."


"Thank you for sharing your bacon, my Momma."
"Oh, you're welcome. That was polite. Who taught you to be so polite? Me?"
"No. Aladdin."


Pouring oil over the chicken in my skillet,
"What's that, Momma? Snot?"